Priorities

I've been thinking deeply these past few days about something which I prefer not to discuss to others. It is, to state plainly, the subject matter of priority. Here's how it goes.

Let's say that you are an average person with an average life and an average set of friends. You get to hang out with your friends, tell jokes, do stuff. Everybody's happy. Or so you think.

Then there is a certain time that comes when people start to think about themselves. Yes, it's the time when people get married, or when they start thinking about getting rich, or devise a diabolical plan for world domination. Yes, that peaceful and happy life built around people you love crumbles and falls to the ground without warning. Suddenly, it's just you. Suddenly, they start going places by themselves (and now, by themselves I mean your friend and another individual who is their partner in life). Suddenly, the thought that everything revolves around everybody becomes a myth, an urban legend, and then you find out that individual planets have their own moons that revolve around them. The times when you are with them becomes awkward since you now look like a third wheel rather than the third blade of an electric fan. You're no longer a part of their life story. Your phase has since passed. Your part is over. If it was a movie, you no longer have lines to say and you get terminated on the next scene. In the blink of an eye, a  multiverse is born, where everybody gets to birth their own universe and you become the lone inhabitant of your own. This abrupt change in the atmosphere is the reason of my unease. I'm the person who prefers to be with friends but how come friends now just aren't the way they were before? Unavailable, and nowhere to be found. Your world shrinks bit by bit and your voice grows insignificant until it becomes no louder than the sound of their heartbeats. That is the moment when you feel like you lose your potency in the once-equal battlefield. Your value drops weekly like the dollar. You feel the loss of your relevance to the world. And it is vicious.

That is where the matter of priority kicks in. You see, since they all have their own priorities on sight now, all that is left is you. No more people listening to your problems since they now got problems of their own. You can no longer go with them to places since hangouts for threes are being replaced by dates for two. They now have their own activities when you usually do things together. That is the point when you learn about priority. When people progress into their lives, they rewrite their priority table. They will cease to do things you usually do just because you're no longer a part of the priority. This is what bothers me. This is what made me into the introvert I currently am. I don't want to do things alone, my personality is built to be around people. Too bad that the people I chose to be around with did not choose me in return. With these in mind, I became a quiet man and kept my talking to a minimum since I know I am not the one they want to speak to. I no longer tell stories because I don't know if they're still interested in hearing one from me. I no longer discuss my problems because I don't think they'd be happy to listen for they have their own problems. I no longer go with them simply because going with them has gone too awkward. I prohibit myself from showing how sad I sometimes am for God knows who cares. While doing these things sometimes I can't recognize myself. I ceased to be my old self for no one will recognize me anymore. Because of those things, I learned to download US tv series and movies, watching alone inside my shared room because I no longer feel like I still belong outside of these four walls. I learned how to buy things and do things alone. I just have to exist, and live and survive, long enough for me to earn some money for I'll most likely end up home alone and who knows what's in store for me. I'm thinking I'll grow old by myself, and it's not a far-fetched idea. Well, this is a good exercise for my future. It's like Survivor, but my only competitor is my own thoughts about loneliness and solitude where I have to outlive, outplay and outlast them. I don't want my future to be this way but of course, it's not my solo decision. It deeply saddens me, but I can't tell it to anybody. Who'd listen, anyway?

This is just a test. :)

The things that happen on a stressful day at the office.

Ohayo!

It's been a year and a month since I last visited my own blog. I was even surprised upon recalling that I created one. I must've been too busy with other things that I shoved these small ideas to the back and dark corner of my mind. Anyway, what's important is I got a hold of it again, probably reminding me to write again whatever is on my mind without thinking of Facebook, share what I'm doing without having to tweet and tell people where I'm at without checking in on Foursquare. Yeah, all the fame-and-follower-farming stuff without actually needing it. You see, I created this blog with the simple purpose of being a vent, a ranting place, a diversion, I can't call this a hobby yet, but more of a pasttime of a lonely soul who is away from his loved ones because of the need to work. I have to admit that the contents of this blog won't have the substance to match other people's blogs. The only thing I can promise to whoever can read this is that this blog will be a real-life online journal, staying close to the heart as always by keeping things real.

So, yeah, back to spilling the beans (hah, as if I'm really spilling beans here), really hoping that I can again maintain the same hype I had when I first wrote here. Well, since I already got jumpstarted, why not go ahead and strike whilst the iron will to write is hot?

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Bukas
Isang salita na ubos-oras
Kahit na piliting intindihin
Hinding-hindi kakayanin
Ang bukas, misteryoso
Nakakubli ang pagkatao
Hindi mawari, hindi malaman
Walang siguradong kasagutan
Anong mayroon bukas?
Siyang tanong palagi
Sana'y umagang nakangiti
At di gabing mapagkunwari
Kaytagal ng bukas
Sa tuwina'y hinihintay
Masinagan ng araw
Ang nagdidilim na buhay

.........................

Some random words that popped into my mind while recollecting about what happened during the day, and guessing what tomorrow will offer. I am an anticipator, if there was such a term. I really like anticipating what's going to happen. It is a gift and a curse. It makes me some kind of organized and paranoid at the same time.

PS : I'm not fond of giving titles to whatever I write - a poem, letter, essay, most of the time, a poem. I do not have that talent of giving a catchy title. My brand of literature remains mysterious that way. But, just in case, its title would be "Bukas". Either you got it right, or it's really, really obvious what the poem is about.

Tamang Attitude

Dahil sa kakulangan ng tulog dulot ng previous entry ko, ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko kaninang umaga. Sobrang nakakatamad bumangon. Kapag ganun, parang labag sa kalooban ang lahat ng gagawin mo, ultimo pagligo at pagplantsa ng damit. Kung di lang kailangan ng MC pag aabsent e nag-mc na ko. Hindi sa likas akong tamad ha. There are just some factors that make you feel so lazy when you wake up. Tulad ng ulan sa umaga. O kaya maraming expected na trabaho sa opisina na alam mong urgent at alam mo rin na mahihirapan kang tapusin. Pero kahit na ganun, di ka dapat tamarin. I mean ako, di ako dapat tamarin. Isa yong direktang paglabag sa aking law of positivity. Think positive lagi. Dapat smile ang salubong mo kay haring araw. At sa mga housemates na kagigising lang. At sa mga kakilala na makakasalubong sa opisina. At mamaya pagkuha ng deposit sa bahay dahil medyo wala na talagang budget. At. At. Wala na kong masabi. Basta wag tatamarin. Always look forward to something good, something great..

..which makes me ask this question : pwede pa kaya umidlip dito sa opis with 6 minutes of lunch break time left?

Matinding Pagsubok sa Pagkakaibigan

Sobrang busy ngayong araw. Tambak yung tasks ko, at iisa lang ang natapos ko sa haba ng office hours namin. Magbasa ng email, maraming tasks. Tumingin sa whiteboard, mas maraming tasks. Sa pagod ko, pagdating ng bahay, naisipan kong magvolunteer para magluto ng pasta. Spaghetti bolognese. Somehow I was wishing, "sana di tulad ng niluto kong buffalo chicken: di masama ang lasa, di rin naman masarap, at di ko na lulutuin ulit". Pero nung nahawakan ko na ang kutsilyo para maghiwa ng sibuyas at bawang, lumabas yung 'chef-inside-me'. Naks. Sablay ang hiwa sa sibuyas. Ang konti ng bawang, halos masunog pa. Buti ready-made na ang bolognese sauce at walang kailangan timplahin maliban sa konting asin.

Naluto na sa wakas. Kinunan ko pa ng pic sabay post sa Tumblr. Very proud of what I cooked. Okay naman daw kung Italian style yung niluto ko, sakto naman daw yung lasa para sa bolognese. Wag ko lang daw sabihin na Filipino style yung spaghetti. Somehow, I am thankful na honest ang mga friends/housemates ko. Mas nagpapasalamat ako dahil magkakaibigan pa rin kami after nila kumain ng luto ko.

Alas dose y media na pala. What. Kailangan ko na matulog. Sabi ko nga sa housemate ko, para marestore ang positivity ko. Di naman nauubos, bumababa lang ang level.

Nyt, merlion.

New Text Document

Ala-una ng hapon nang matapos kami mag-almusal dito sa bahay. Sa di malamang kadahilanan, biglang pumasok sa utak ko na sumulat, at this time, bigla kong naalala ang blogging. Naging topic na namin to nung nakaraan e, kung para saan ang blog at kung anu-ano pa. Tinanong ko kung nasaan ang blog nitong kaibigan ko, nagbasa saglit at napagpasyahang sumubok. Okay rin siguro na vent to, diversion, outlet.. Di na ko magsusulat sa papel para environment-friendly, di na rin ako magsusulat sa notepad sa pc sa mga office na pinanggalingan ko, na after ng contract ko e di ko na nare-retrieve at nawawala na.. May mapaglalagyan na ng aking randomness, ng free-flowing thoughts, ng mga kalokohan, and basically anything that enters my mind na convertible into words. Hmm.. So, without further ado, this officially starts my blogging life..
Err.. Di talaga ko sanay sa term na blogging.. If you would want to call this blogging (although technically, it IS blogging, I suppose you won't, dahil mga walang kwentang bagay lang yung mababasa ninyo dito), it's fine with me. Anyway, Welcome sa aking online notepad. :D